The Violation of My Rights: Our Failed Relationship
Author Nathalie Ngumba Milambo, Member of Tulizo Elle Space, Colors of Connection’s local partner in Goma, DRC
I want to talk to you about our relationship, because my partner is enclosed in a vessel on which my community is sitting, my family, my traditions, my culture, my country, and the whole world is sitting. My partner’s name is My Rights.
We have known each other since I was a child. With My Rights I was to have a name, a family, protection from harm, an education, sufficient food, shelter, clothes, and everything that would guarantee me a fulfilled and peaceful life. When people talk about My Rights, they describe a set of laws established by society with the aim of organizing my relationships with others; or they describe a set of norms that protect me and that govern for the recognition of my dignity, the dignity of all human beings. But reality has caught up with me and my disappointment is great. because I have never known My Rights like this.
I am a daughter of the world, one of Africa and specifically of the Democratic Republic of Congo. I am here to share with you about my relationship with My Rights.
“ I can’t stop imagining what my life would be like if we lived together - if I could be in the presence of My Rights. ”
It is said that the relationship we have must remain a secret so that we can stay happy. But how can we be happy when we don't live together? Me and My Rights are on two parallel paths. We look at each other at a distance, and we think about each other constantly. I can't stop imagining what my life would be like if we lived together - if I could be in the presence of My Rights.
Every time I am supposedly enjoying My Rights, it's for someone else’s benefit. According to my community, I have a name in order to make my father proud. Whenever I need to make a decision, I think about the reputation behind my name, even though in the beginning, I was supposed to be given a name to distinguish me from other people and identify me, who I am.
I am not the only one living this experience. I see many girls and women of my country going through the same kind of relationship with Their Rights, since the time of our grandmothers. I want to write a record of our traumas, our pain, our struggle, even if the images of our pain are hidden and the sound of our voices are muted as muffling was not enough. We have been given Our Rights, but they decide when we can enjoy them, and it that is only when it suits them.
We have Rights that are given to us, but how we actually experience them in everyday life is not as it should be.
Education: I studied in a public school and my mother, widowed when I was in third grade, had to pay for me and my three younger brothers even though primary education in my country is legally supposed to be free. Every time we discussed my studies, she would say things like: "Your husband will pay a big dowry, or “A woman without studies is not a good investment for her husband."
How my mother thought about my education, is how many others think about girls’ education. In my community we believe that an educated girl will grow up to be a woman who can find good job opportunities and with her salary help with her household’s needs. Or that an educated girl will be able to care for her parents: In Africa, women are considered more compassionate and caring than men. Parents believe that if their daughter is educated, later she will be able to find a good job, a good husband and be able to take care of them. Girls are not educated for their own benefit.
Marriage: A woman’s relationship with Her Rights is immediately negated the moment she celebrates her marriage because she must be submissive to her husband. It is the law according to our country’s family code. In marriage, the husband is entrusted with all the decision-making power. The wife is just there to executes his will. The wife must bear being hit, being insulted, and to fulfill into any wish he may have. She has no right to have her own beliefs and opinions. She sacrifices the parts of her personality, herself, that make her fulfilled and alive for her family and the happiness of her husband and her parents. By doing so she honors her family.
The husband decides when to have children and how many, and even when it could put her life in danger. Sometimes a woman will prefer to risk her life if she has not yet given birth to a boy because society does not really consider have a girl as having a child. She may tell herself that if she hasn’t had a son, it is a good reason for her husband to leave her or take another woman who can have children.
If ever a woman takes the initiative to claim Her Rights and make demands by leaving her home, she will be subjected to social prejudices, and discrimination by everyone around her. The right way to be a woman, is to submit everything.
Divorce: Men do not easily grant divorce to women so that men can continue to control and have power over their wives. If a divorce requested by a woman, it is badly viewed society. Many of us remain stuck in unhappy homes because we worry: How I will be seen? What will people say about me? What will happen to my relationship with others? Knowing the answers to these questions, she is scared. As Aristotle said: man is a social animal.
Work: When a woman works, it is not for herself. In many cases her spouse controls her salary, or just takes it. If she resists, she runs the risk of being judged as insubordinate or being kicked out of her home. It is the man who decides what work she takes or leaves.
I could spend days talking about how a woman’s relationship with her rights is violated. Violated in multiple ways, and in almost every facet of her life. I write to share the trauma of all women around the world, express our frustrations, and reveal our pain. These violations are supported by our fathers, brothers, authorities, pastors and sheiks. Other women think of it as normal, and they are not at fault because these practices have been passed down from generation to generation.
“A woman’s relationship with Her Rights is immediately negated the moment she celebrates her marriage because she must be submissive to her husband. It is the law according to our country’s family code.”
Just as a journey of 1000 steps begins with one step, we will increase the strength of our voices and the brilliance of our image. We have the right to be happy, to be us, to live our happiness. We have the right to live our choices, the right to live a full life. I imagine a world in which women are fulfilled and able to put all our energy to the service of our beautiful country and to make an impact this world. This fight is ours. All women should get involved because the cause is worthy.
My relationship, our relationship with the one who allows us to be in relationship with ourselves: OUR RIGHTS.
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